Act 1: Trauma

Much of how we react to discord in our lives is rooted in our past. We also draw our pleasures and preferences from childhood memories — even the smallest joys resonate across time. And as we struggle through the difficult areas of life, we often find that our reactions to present situations mirror scenes from long ago — particularly the way we responded as children.

Whether it was a parent asking us to clean our room or a bully calling us names, if those early experiences caused us deep sorrow or anger, those voices can reappear in adult life in various forms. And we respond as if following a script.

The Role We Rehearsed

The emotions are so deeply rooted in memory that we respond as though we were taught lines in a play — required to deliver the same anger or sadness, scene after scene, over and over. With lines so well-rehearsed, similar contexts can trigger those feelings instantly. The role continues until we recognize we are replaying the same act, causing the same grief.

Scientists have found that traumatic experiences lay dormant in the body. When we encounter something that resembles the original trauma, our bodies and emotions respond accordingly — as if the chemicals have been waiting for their cue.

Rewriting the Script

We can change this rooting system. It requires awareness. Are we choosing a particular kind of partner to replay a role that once caused us pain — hoping, this time, to fix it? That is an age-old question.

In many broken relationships, there are threads that lead back to the past. Open wounds that make a person feel incomplete. And often, we believe another person can heal those wounds. Love is what prevails in this life — but be sure the path you are seeking is a healthy one, not another unobtainable love that keeps the wound alive.

The first step toward a functional relationship is to begin with a clear mind and clear heart. Feel confidence as an independent person. When you are healthy in mind and heart, choosing someone who is healthy for you becomes possible. Operating from a place of wholeness rather than scarcity is one of life's greatest challenges — but it is the foundation everything else is built on. Human frailty is so often found in moments of loneliness.

The past performances and deep-rooted scenes of discontent will always leave us unfulfilled if we keep returning to them. The toxic roles of the past need to stay in the past. There is so much love and happiness available to us in this world. Make the future role — the part you play from here — the makings of a good story.